Monday, 17 December 2012

Fizz Reviews More Things

Hello I am a dog what's called Fizz. If that's not an introduction I don't know what is (it's not, and I don't). Just a small-framed girl living in a boney world. I partake in any lascivious activities I can get my flaps on, from doing lines of loose change to shoplifting kiwi fruit up my vag like I'm harbouring furry-egged fugitives. Our reader question today (implying that I get a lot, which I do, but I write them all myself when I'm on a mescaline and ether binge in the mountains so they're written in the smell of hope or the breeze-dried breath of butterflies escaping parting glaciers and so are generally illegible) comes from Steve Smith (instagram username @stevesmith415, MSN username sexy_schoolgirl_15_Im_blind_and_horny, that last one is a guess) who asked me my opinion of the following things. Thankfully I'm well versed in most things, and if not I'm happy to copy entire paragraphs from wikipedia and just add "puppy cunt" and "fecal fountain" so it looks like I wrote it.



Birth control. Usually I'm more interested in girth control pills, such as Viagra and other penis-inflammatories; or Colin Firth control pills, to stop me watching Bridget Jone's Diary on repeat and crying into my human-knit sweater over the complexities of love and how Hugh Grant looks like a puddle. However, I have occasionally been known to knock back a couple of birthies - my favourites are the ones with the red background, those delicious little government-subsidised albino skittles. I don't know why the fuck they even include the Bitter Baby Biter flavour in the pack, whenever I throw a dinner party the bowls of Luscious Menstruation Sensation Placebo Poppers disappear like so many absentee fathers while the "active" ones just sit there, generally inactive, waiting for someone to love them as though they're little buttons chanelling babies instead of buttoning little baby channels. Obviously there is a gamut of different ways to avoid surprise gestation. The most common sperm trap is the condom, but they're so damn expensive, and I'm literally a pawper (that was phrased as cutesy as possible so if you ever hear an asthmatic grunt you'll throw some cash at me and leave immediately please). Next time you think about purchasing one of these individually-wrapped bulk-packs of 99 lube-balloons, consider another option - The Glove of Love. Buy a dishwashing glove and use the fingers; if after four fucks from Martha Stewart's "violently violet" decorated dick sheath you're not feeling it then the glove has spoken and you should move on. If they only fit into the thumb then you should move on (but first bend your littlest finger around their cute little cashew dick and pinky swear that you'll always stay best friends). If they spend half an hour trying to stretch the palm of the glove over their tree trunk penis then you should cover them in motor oil and discretely slide them into a manhole - they're not for this world. Personally, I don't need birth control - I'm delighted to know I can grow my own snacks just from enjoying my second favourite hobby after ice skating on my toenails. Three stars - I know a lot of people whose mum should have taken the blue, red or white pill, or at least followed Morpheus down the brown rabbit hole. Not racist, I'm talking about anal.



The Apocalypse. My world ended when they cancelled 24 - Jack Bauer is the gravel-drowned voice of the people, a sultry anti-terrorist siren who operates above the law and his vocal range; a stubbly Aretha Franklin if she was willing to break fingers and waterboard her fans to sell tickets. Jack's famous last line was "The Mayans were right, you can't survive without me. Chloe, call my spaceship, I'm out of here. So long, stinkworld." And with one last hocked loogie at the president (not Obama, the chimp one) the earth was doomed to an empty three-season suspenseful waiting period before an agonising face-boiling death. What will it bring? Asteroids the size of really large asteroids? Fires so hot they'll melt your cigarettes? The triumphant return of Pauly Shore? I don't care, as you can see in my photo above I've bought myself a space suit. I will survive long after you've eaten your last tin of delicious John West Smoked Oysters and scraped clean the bowl of sweetened placenta placating placebos. Biblical floods, so wet you'll wish your legs were made of paper towel? Fuck it, I've got bottles of air and the buoyancy rating of an embroidered kettle. The world gets knocked out from under our feet like a trick shot in snooker from a guy asking for a glassing? Who gives a shit, I'm Fizz Aldrin, the first dog in space (apart from those other ones). Hilarious gravity shenanigans that would all win Funniest Home Videos, overdrawing the jackpot and plummiting the fragments of earth into another GFC, double-fucking the earth-scraps? Piss off, I'm a dog who thinks it's people, everyone loves that shit - have you even seen Instagram? Explosive dust and nuclear fallout covering your atmosphere and getting you down? Oh well, I'll just pop a nail in one of my tanks and blast into the stratosphere, sitting pretty on a cloud of wasted human potential and aerated chunks of you while riding a unicorn right on his horn. Well, those are the reasons I gave my accountant for buying the space suit. Really I just wanted to gas myself with a crackpipe hooked up to the vents and walk around pretending I'm a human shrinkie who passed too close to the sun and withered into a hairy mothgoat after years lost in orbit, all while giggling convincingly with twisty crumbs in my dishcloth beard. Just like a real astronaut. No stars yet, I'll tell you my review on Friday while I'm chewing on your face. All's fair in love and panic.



Revenge. They say revenge is a dish best served boiling hot and full of knives. I disagree, I like mine partially defrosted, served with a side of self-righteousness, accompanied with a refreshing glass of impaled-ale and finished with a big bowl of eye-for-an-ice-cream before using the bill to paper-cut your enemy's head off and stuff your 10% tip down his gullet. Revenge is up there with my favourite "rainy day" activities. Sometimes I'll drop ten cents on the ground just so I can give the first person who bends down to pick it up a piece of my mind. And by "piece" I mean "end of" and by "mind" I mean "Colonial bayonet". Once a lady put junk-mail in my letterbox so I put her through a shredder, tattooed tiny coupons on pieces of her and slid them under every door in the city - it's what she would have wanted. We encounter revenge on a daily basis, from Blockbuster gleefully posting you overdue bills for that video you hocked in exchange for a lick of an adrenal gland, to fat cunts smirking while they slow down in front of you after you were tailgating (when you were only trying to get close enough to see if that was really their face or a soggy loaf of bread with some jam for lips and a toupee made of feathers and sweat). It shows the human condition at its weakest, most vulnerably spiteful, and schemingly complicated best. It's what dreams, movies and my Saturday afternoons are made of. Five stars, I can't wait for the next time someone sneezes near me.


Fizz is a twice-published author, now, and spends her free time inventing medieval helicopters, painting vivid portraits of transvestites using only the makeup they leave on her sheets and sending her ears to past lovers (she has a whole drawer full of them, and a whole lotta lovers). If you have anything you'd like Fizz to review, please mention it in the comments, or tattoo it on a strip of your mailman and slide it under her kennel. She reviews free samples of expensive things extremely favourably, even if they're shit.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Fizz Reviews

Good evening. I'm Fizz, part-time purveyor of all things exotic and decadent, from 10 year matured mouthwash to top-shelf pound pussy. Full-time dog. I'm here to review a few things for you because making up your own mind about something is for Nazi extremists. You're not a Nazi extremist, are you?












The ocean. With my housemates leaving for Fiji recently (to throw coconuts at the natives or some shit, I don't care) I've been bombarded with ocean adoration expressions like "can't wait for those warm, crystal clear waters". What do you think a bath is for, fuckhead? Unless you usually fill it up with tepid milk I can't see why you wouldn't just blob around in that - at least no-one will see your hand-woven pubes creeping out from under your fat-bag bathers, except if you've invited them in with you (and are wearing bathers in the bath for some reason). And a bath is shark free, which is great for me since I'm described on the "Maritime Species" list as "Bite Sized, Tastes Like Alf". I estimate that scientists estimate that the sea is 90% urine - if I wanted wee waves slapping me in the face I would have taken Zac Efron's role in The Paperboy and had Nicole Kidman piss on me instead (we're quite close after co-starring in "Australia" - I'm sheep #24, the junkie one with the limp). And don't get me started on the sand, every time I step out of the water I look like a spiced q-tip that someone used to mop their garden. No stars.



Tinned Oysters. The best thing the ocean ever did was let these mucoid vaginas suck on its floor. After initially being greeted by a waft of sweet dolphin breath each bite reveals a complex palate of salted loins, seahorse mane, velvet spermwhale milk and a cheeky dash of entrails, encapsulated in a pickled fetus wonderball just like mum used to make. They say that oysters are an aphrodisiac, but this actually comes from the brine - a smear of this viscous oil on your face and beard tells any bitch that you're keen to go deep and hard, and your moist smirk exudes a strong waft of yesteryear's ocean, displaying your free spirit and sending a message that you want to run away to the beach with her and fuck her on a crab. 5 stars.



L-R: Neil, The Other One, Harry, Zayn, Louis
One Direction. The only direction I give a fuck about is "up me" - infact, my favourite Christmas game is seeing how far I can get a broom handle in my canine cloaca while my roommates are busy drinking eggnog out of a turkey (or some shit, I don't care). One Direction is comprised of five prepubescent boys with a real talent for holding a fist over their heart and leaning forward. They are Zayn, a world-watcher from the Horsehead Nebula; Harry, a shaved monkey whose false teeth leave him with a perpetual grin;  Neil (some call him Niall but this is clearly a typo), a medium-sized hobbit with a heart of scone; Louis, a ken doll someone dropped in a toaster; and the other one, of whom very little is known, apart from his love of floral prints and storing m&ms in his bum. Despite the fact that they are heralded as "bladder bleeders" to trillions of 17 year old girls the world over, I'm not impressed. Firstly, you can tell just by looking at Harry's face that he's never even fucked a dog. Louis on the other hand has the jaded eyes of a professional mutt-slut, and although I might get him to write a chapter in my upcoming novel "50 Shades of Greyhound" I'm sure I've done kinkier things than him using only dental floss, a hedge and a set of pens dipped in oyster brine. We'll have to sit back like his uncle and wait for him to mature like the ripe veiny cheese he will one day be. The other three are not eligible for review until their penises are fully-formed - ask me again in a year. 2 stars (redeemed because "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" is my shower anthem).


Smoking. Fucking cool. Trust me, this is the one hobby that you will never regret taking up. All the fun of being a dragon with none of the scales (unless you get complications from diabetes but I'm pretty sure that only happens to other people). Lean on something while you've got a cigarette and all of a sudden you're the most dangerous cunt to ever be on a slant (unless you're leaning on your mum's bosom enjoying that classic smoke-and-breastfeed combination). Carry around pictures of everyone you're likely to run into and when you see them, burn out their eyes in the photo with the cigarette. BAM! Intimidation. "I'm sorry sir, but these presents are for the poor!" (melt her polaroid eyeballs and growl like Clint Eastwood having a gargle) "I guess you could have a couple." If you forget to brush your teeth before a job interview, buy a packet of menthol cigarettes and chew a few on your way in. Spit the wad at the receptionist and let her know who's in charge - hopefully she'll tell her boss that you have a natural authority about you, along with a fine fragrance of a mint plant in a smouldering napalm forest. If she doesn't, write your number on a menthol, chew it and spit it at her on the way out, then fuck her like she's the clown game at a funfair and you're trying to get your balls wedged in the number 5 slot - a headjob's still a job and one worth bragging to your parents about, maybe while sharing some delicious John West Smoked Oysters. 4 stars (so expensive these days, I've had to start selling my other holes).



When she's not absorbing things through her vagina, Fizz enjoys grunting like a seal pirate, having an underbite and staring at trees. If you would like her to review something, please leave a comment below, or write it on a menthol cigarette, chew it and spit it at her.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Hi, My Name Is John: Signing Off, Vacuum Sealed, Delivered


[If you haven't already, please read the introduction at http://angusdiamond.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/hi-my-name-is-john-my-weekend-as-dick.html before mainlining this junk]


Vac To The Future: A Moral Journey


When I was on school camp in grade 4 a teacher busted one of the kids sticking his dick in a vacuum cleaner. This is a bit different to that, but not much.


Vacs Assorted + Swivel sweeper+ Optim Steamr$20Ea

Assorted Vacs uprite + swivel sweeper+ Optim hand steamer + Karcher Vac +Iron + Genius white Steamer + access $50 Ea.

[assorted pictures of vacuum cleaners]




Me:

Hi, how many vacuum cleaners do you have, and do they all have reverse switches? If so I would like to take all of them. I cant tell you why, but I am working on a highly confidential military project. Lets just say that it will revolutionise the way you travel.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

John


June:

Thanx for email! I have a Karcher Vac + iron / A Hero hand held vac new red + charger/Electrolux uprite sml silver + charger/Piranha uprite sml silver switch type
(have sold the ordinary vacs I had). also have 2 steam cleaners. Vacs $20 ea but Karcher $50 as very good one. Can call after 1pm Sunday onn ***. Sounds interesting!Regards June.. I will have some other vacs in future(dont know when yet) and will let u know.


June (again):

Hi again. Dont know much about reverse swiches. Regards June.


Me:

Thanks for your speedy response June! Don't worry about the reverse switches, I should be able to adjust the schematics and rework the electronics to suit the project. Quick question, how much do you weigh? I'll let you in on a little secret June, I've been asked by the government to invent Air Displacing Vehicles, or Hovercars (I haven't been directly asked, but it was heavily implied hidden in the punctuation of recent press releases, so it's basically a sure thing). I need a volunteer who is fairly lightweight to pilot the prototype. So far we have had a 13% non-combustion rate which I'm sure you'll agree is very encouraging. You will be required to sit in a small metal cockpit as you are propelled down a 67 degree incline onto a launch ramp at approximately 240 kilometres per hour - this might sound intimidating but I can assure you that the survivors have said it's just like riding a bike, more or less. Once you leave the ramp the exhaust powers of the vacuum engines will kick in and you will hover safely into a three-metre kiddy pool two kilometres away. After seven test flights I will gladly pay you the price of the vacuum cleaners plus an extra $20 for your trouble - easy money, am I right June?

I'm keen to get this organised as soon as possible so your prompt response would be much appreciated!

Regards,

John


Me (again):

Hi June, I understand if you don't want to volunteer, not everyone knows a good deal when they see one. I would still like all of your vacs, will you take $100 for the lot? Also, when I come in I'm going to need you to sign a confidentiality agreement, two non-disclosure documents, and a preventative media release form due to the nature of the project, along with everyone you have told about it. I hope this won't be a problem. Are you still available after 1pm today?

Regards,

John


June:

Hi John - I am 70 yrs old! Think I will give the test a miss. Happy to sell the vacs for $100 and sign for u. I am sure u would be able to find heaps of young people who would love to participate in yr tests(have owned around 8 sports cars over the yrs but was a lot younger then). Sounds very interesting. Confidentiality no problem as I do audits/shops etc incognito. Regards June. Home from 3pm. Will email address when confirmed.


[This is where I start feeling bad - my motto is "never trick a lovely old lady for no reason", it's even tattooed on my inner thigh. My other motto's always been "when it's right, it's right", and this was getting wrong.]


June (again):

Hi just had a look in garage and have 3 other vacs minus hose/head - just the vac. Pullman commercial/Nilfisk bag/Cyclone bagless $25 extra for the 3 on to the $100. if want. Regards June.


[For fuck's sake, now the old bird is off wobbling about in a shed for this imaginary vacuum fanatic - if anything happens to her it will be on me. Time to flee to Mexico, or just end the conversation.]


Me:

Hi June, when I invent my time machine I will catch up with your younger, sports-car owning self. Who knows where it will lead? ;) I do, I'll have a time machine, basically the hottest rod of them all - you won't be able to keep your youthful hands off me! Anyway, after a recent spate of unfortunate accidents from incompetent pilots my public liability insurance has gone up (you crash land into one kindergarten and all of a sudden the government doesn't want anything to do with you - typical bureaucracy) and I will not be able to afford your stash of vacuum cleaners. However, I would like to pay you $20 for the time I have wasted - what's $20 when I'll soon have a time machine and am going to reinvent the iPhone a few years ago anyway? Please send through your bank details so I can deposit it immediately - not a joke. And twenty years ago from today we'll be blazing into yesterday's sunset in my time mobile leaving a burning trail of efficiency and time-lapse streaks across a forgotten sky.

Yours forever, in a soon to be remembered past,

Dear John


June:

Hi John - no need for the $20! been interesting hearing your ideas.Sure the reality will happen but I prob wont be around to enjoy it!. Regards June.


Me:

Thank you June, you've been fantastic to talk to, good luck selling the vacuum cleaners! And remember, the future is only a day away™.

Kind regards,

John


In case you were wondering, I had every intention of paying up. I thought it would partially make it up to June for dicking her around, and $20 is a pretty cheap get-out-of-hell-free card for lightly kicking karma's kunt. As it was, June, being amazing as usual, takes the high ground, leaving me indebted to karma like a grovelling errand boy offering to suck all the dicks to have the debt, and their face, wiped clean. You've won this round, June.

So I've enjoyed being a dick for a few days but all annoying things must come to an end. There are more enjoyable ways to get a laugh than at someone else's expense, but, like an imaginary bug after a meth comedown, sometimes it's fun to get under someone's skin. I'll probably have another go one day when I feel the need to passive-agressively let off some steam at someone who wasn't involved in boiling it. And who knows, I might even be good at it by then.

This has been Angus Diamond, under a bridge, for his own blog. Goodnight.

Hi, My Name Is John, And I'm A Petite Lady


[If you haven't already, please read the introduction at http://angusdiamond.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/hi-my-name-is-john-my-weekend-as-dick.html before inhaling this anthrax]


DTF: I Would Follow You To The Ends Of The Earth And Let You Piss On My Dick


Some people will do anything to get their dick wet, even if it's just from mopping up a urine stain with it. Yes, it was wrong to lead him on, but hopefully I taught him a lesson in self-respect and not agreeing to have anonymous poo sex in a public toilet. Or something. Fuck, this isn't Aesop's Fables.


Girls and women (northern suburbs of ***)

Ladies and girls required for very discreet meetings and fun.

fully trustworthy male here who knows how to please and to keep a secret.





Me:

Hello, I noticed your ad for ladies. I am a petite 26 year old lady, very curvaceous and delighted to experiment. Please contact me if you're interested!

Regards,

John


Ali:

Hi,

Yes I am indeed very interested and I like petite women.

What Suburb are you from ? and what kind of things you willing to experiment with ?

Just out of curiosity what nationality are you ?

Hope we can maybe organize something tonight if you live in the Northern Suburbs.

Look Forward to your reply.


Me:

Ooh how exciting, I didn't think you would reply! I live in *** but I am extremely happy to travel. I am foreign, I hope this won't be a problem?

I am willing to experiment with most things - sorry if this sounds a bit forward, I just want to be clear upfront, hehe! I have tried a lot of positions before, and my favourite is the "embalmed sensation". Hehe, sorry, I feel funny writing this! I have played with whips, chains, coffins & handcuffs. What were you thinking? I am open to anything experimentation except dairy, citrus fruits and anal.

Can't wait to hear from you!

John x


Ali:

Hi,

Good to hear from you.

I love foreign women so no problem at all infact fantastic for me ;)

I was thinking tonight if you can meet me at the shopping centre near my work we can meet there and then go somewhere private in one of our cars.

You're not too far from my work just get onto the main Hwy and turn left at *** and shoping centre is on your right can't miss it

Today I would love to kiss , touch and give each other oral sex.

I don't have a place thats free so we can be in bed but if you have a place free i would be more than happy to visit you at your place to have fun  and we can try everything.

Let me know if your ok to meet tonight.

Look forward to your answer.


Me:

Hi, great to hear back from you Ali. I don't have a place available but I actually know somebody who works at the service station there so I will ask him if we can use the bathroom for the night. What do you think? ;)

I like the sound of your night - seems like a very romantic way to meet, especially the oral sex! I don't want to be touching though, I'm uncomfortable with the feel of human skin. Are you interested in role play, or watersports? What size is your penis (soft and hard), I want to prepare myself for the amazing experience!

Thanks

John


Ali:

Hi Again,

What is your name sexy ?

Yes I am definately interested in your offer I hope your friend can make the bathroom available to us.

Yes I am interested in role play all different types eg. school girl and principal, father and daughter etc everything goes with me.

I have tried watersports once before on a girl and i liked it would definately do it again.

My penis is 18cm long cut when hard soft its about half that.

I get off work tonight at 10.30 PM so I can meet definately between 10.30 PM and 11.00 PM and stay till we finish.

what is your mobile number? I'll give you a call when you want me to if thats ok with you.

Describe yourself a bit to me so i can picture you.

Where is this service station exactly ? In *** I hope so I can get there quicker from work.

Going to be fun tonight let me know your thoughts.


Me:

Ooh, can't wait! My friend got back to me and we can use the bathroom anywhere between 10pm and 1am, I hope you're excited! The only catch is that is the time the cleaner normally comes, so we will have to clean the bathroom completely once we're finished. It won't be a problem, we'll turn it into something sexy - you delicately scrubbing the toilet with your manly arms while I bend over to cheekily empty the sanitary bin... I'm sure you can use your imagination ;)

18cm long is the perfect size! I can fit up to 20cm penises so that will work nicely for me. Just another quick question, how much weight do you think it can hold? I'm 46kgs and I would like to try a move called the "inadequate pinwheel". Let me know if this will be a problem. What is the circumference and weight of your testicles? I have something I want to try but I need to know specifics ;)

How do you feel about this for a scenario: We arrive in the bathroom and you are my slave. I will get some duct tape and tie your legs below the toilet and your hand to your penis. I whip you with the handle of the toilet brush and make you masturbate while I stand on the toilet above you and take a big dump in your hair, the warmth exciting you to move faster. Just as you are about to come I will lean forward and piss on your dick, the strange sensation delighting you over the brink. You can take it from here ;)

Oh, and before I forget I am 5 foot 2 and I have been told that I am "cute", "sexy" and "confusing". One of my eyes is slightly below the other one, giving me a devilish look of flirtation. I have very short arms with 7 delicate fingers extending from the ends. I am a size DD in one breast and an A in the other, so I hope you like a bit of variety in your women! My name is John.

Can't wait to hear back from you! xx John


Ali:

John is a weird name for a girl lol.

Anyways sure im up to crazy fun no problem just let me know what service station to go to and what time you will be there.


Me:

Who do you think you are, insulting my name? I'm literally crying here, you despicable dog man. I'm cancelling tonight, I can't be with someone who is that much of a DOG. Have some respect, and don't lead someone along just to toy with their emotions. I'm never even looking at a man again, let alone shitting on his head. You just ruined the first romantic night of the rest of our lives.

John

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Hi, My Name Is John: Spirit Fingers


[If you haven't already, please read the introduction at http://angusdiamond.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/hi-my-name-is-john-my-weekend-as-dick.html before eyeballing this rubbish]


Phenomenon (Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo): Ghost In-Spectre

If I was a ghost I would tickle important people during speeches and hide inside vending machines and stop the products coming out. Unfortunately, not all ghosts are as harmless as me.

Seeking the Supernatural

 I am currently researching the Supernatural for a book I am writing and I am looking for people to interview on the subject.

Have you had an encounter with the Supernatural? Have you been a direct eye witness to Superntural Unexplained Phenomena?
If you have experienced any of the following Paranormal Phenomena and you have the time to share, I would really like to hear from you.

*Aliens
*UFO's
*Occult
*Ghosts
*Witchcraft
*Telekinesis
*Apparitions
*Apportation
*Poltergiests
*Astral Projection
*Near Death Experiences



Me:

Hi, I noticed your ad on craigslist. I don't usually like to talk about my experience - not only does it bring back horrific memories, but people can be sceptical. It seems like you are treating this subject with sincerity and respect, and so I am willing to share my story if you're still interested.

Regards,

John


Jon (I'll call him "him" to avoid confusion):

Hi John,

Thank you for your reply it is appreciated. I am personally a believer so my approach to the subject comes from that perspective. I am very interested in talking with you and hearing of your experiences if you have the time and you are willing to share, please leave your contact details and I will be in touch.

Regards

-Jon


Me:

Hi Jon, great to hear from you. It is refreshing to have someone open-minded to talk to about these things. I want to tell you a story from about 18 years ago.

It was 1994. I was a carefree boy with nothing to lose, my halcyon undercut blowing in a warm breeze, reflecting the sun and my youthful optimism.

This was all about to change.

My parents were going away for a weekend and were struggling to find someone for me to stay with. Exhausting all options, they settled on my father's Aunt Josephine. Josephine was a known recluse, an alcoholic hoarder who, it was rumoured, had a penchant for the occult. My parents reluctantly dropped me off, and I was understandably terrified. However, Aunt Josephine seemed lovely, and when I entered her house my initial fears slipped away - her home was well kept, organised, and filled with that comforting op-shop fragrance that seems to follow old people around like a natural perfume.

We played some games for a while - cribbage, I think, but it may have been chess - and before long it was time for me to go to bed. I didn't want to go to sleep, but it wasn't because I was scared, I was having a great time with Josephine and didn't want to stop.

I climbed into my bed and Josephine gave me a toy to sleep with - an old monkey with buttons for eyes. I clutched this and, feeling relieved that the anticipation had abated, I slid into a peaceful slumber.

I woke up screaming. It was still night, pitch black, and I couldn't see anything. A man came into the room - ghostly white, wearing nothing but a robe. I thought he might have been God, but I didn't get a chance to ask.

"GO BACK TO SLEEP BOY" he boomed. The door slammed shut as if by itself.

Terrified, I clutched my monkey toy and closed my eyes. I was disturbed a few seconds later by some loud bangs coming from Josephine's room next door, followed by repeated blood-curdling screams. The slamming increased in frequency and the moans grew louder and louder. Even though I'd only just met her I knew I needed to protect Josephine.

I got out of bed and walked towards Josephine's room, carrying a stool that was sitting in my room for whatever protection it could offer me. The screams were as loud as ever as I pushed the door open a crack and gazed in. Confronting me was the image of a pile of writhing flesh, Josephine's almost lifeless head on the pillow with a strange glazed expression across her features. It was impossible to tell where Josephine began and this man, this DEMON began. The man appeared to be trying to penetrate her soul and possess her. He was thrusting against her with all his might and a crazed look on his face. I knew he was going to kill her.

The screams increased in intensity as she cried out to a god, any god, to save her. The man didn't relent and continued violently slamming her body with his, trying to enter her as deeply as possible. The entire bed was banging into the wall and the whole house seemed to tremble. As the screams built to a crescendo I knew what I had to do. I snuck up behind the man and, just as Josephine's last breath was leaving her, I hit him over the head as hard as I could. I knew Josephine was dead, and there was nothing I could do to save her now. I ran back to my room and leaned against the door - I heard no further sounds that night.

In the morning, I was more than surprised to find Josephine walking around, seemingly unharmed, but with an otherworldly glow about her. The demon man was nowhere to be seen. "But... you died, Josephine!" I stammered. "Oh no boy, I've never felt so alive!" she replied and smiled widely, her hideous teeth dripping with some sort of viscous white fluid. I hid in the cupboard until Mum and Dad came to get me, and immediately bolted into their arms once I heard the knock at the door. I never visited Josephine's again. She died a few years ago and I must admit I slept very comfortably that night, for the first time in years.

I tried telling my parents about what happened but they dismissed it as a nightmare. Have you had anything like this happen, or heard of anything similar? What do you think it means? I would be very grateful to hear any opinion you may have on the matter - obviously it is an incident that affected me deeply, and continues to impact my life to this day.

Thank you for your time.

Regards,

John


Him:

Hello John,

Thank you for your reply it is greatly appreciated. To me your experience sounds like an astral experience, ie, one that you had on the astral plane, these are invariably indistinguishable from waking reality for people that are not experienced at astral travel, who have not spent many many hours astral traveling. As St. Paul says when he was caught up into the third Heaven, "Whether in the body or out of the body, I cannot tell, God Knoweth". 2 Corinthians 12:3. So this means that you can wake up, in the astral, thinking you are waking up on the physical material plane.

You write with a punchy short story prose. The fact that you smashed the ghost over the head with a stool and managed to not hurt your aunty suggests it was an astral experience. The other thing is people that experience spirit rape, are often in catalepsy in a sonambulistic state. I take it from the story and the white muck in your aunties mouth at the conclusion of the experience, you are suggesting she was possessed by this rapist demon? By the way what do you mean exactly you hid in the cupboard..?


Kind Regards

-Jon


Him again:

Hey John,

Still thinking about your story... Can you clarify if the old man who came into your room and told you to go back to sleep was the same man that was raping your auntie in her room...


-Jon


Me:

Hi Jon, thank you for your reply! It seems that astral-erection might be the explanation I've been searching for all these years. I feel like a juvenile cock-blocker, will have to apologise to Josephine when I breeze through the pearly-necklaced gates.

Yes, this godlike demon was the same man. He looked exactly like Colonel Sanders if he had just stepped out of the bath and chucked on the closest robe. It seems she met her maker early for a no strings attached casual encounter and I was too young to see. I can probably get over my fear of bedheads and extremely violent sex now, thank you for your help Jon!

In answer to your question about hiding in the cupboard, I just opened one of the pantry doors and nestled myself in between some clammy potatoes and a small baked bean fort. I remember the place well, and it is still my mental safe haven that I retreat to whenever I get spooked or accidentally see a penis.

Thanks again for your help Jon, you've been more useful than my drawer of healing crystals and my spiritual recovery therapist (who insisted on using a hands-on approach to treat my problems, which all seemed to stem from my crotch and come to a head about 5 inches later - there's a reason it's spelt "the rapist").

If you have any further insight or questions I would be delighted to hear from you.

Regards,

John


Him (edited for length):

Hi again John,

Good to hear from you once more... I have no idea if your 'Incubus' account was intended to be fact or fiction, nevertheless it contains the right elements to be a true account according to the thousands of accounts I have looked at over the years, and first hand direct experience I have had with this phenomena. I have over a long time now attempted to memorize types of paranormal phenomena, as a result I see time and time again recurring themes. It is this knowledge base that I use as my truthiness gauge. So I generally know when people are making things up because they are not familiar with the way things generally work and don't work when it concerns the interaction of the spiritual plane with our gross material plane.

When a peer asked if I thought your account was true, the cliche question, I responded, 'it may not be, however there is no reason I can see why it may not be, as it fits all the criteria I am familiar with.' I've had 25 years experience with Astral Projection, as a result I know it is something that is massively confusing to someone that has a random astral travel experience out of the blue which happens occasionally to people.

I recently talked with a confused women who had been raped while catatonic by a spirit, which left large hand print bruises on her inner thighs, making it so she could barely walk the next day, and also causing phantom false pregnancy for her massive bloated abdomen... this phenomena has been reported by women since the middle ages. The reason spirits attempt to have sex with mortals is because they were denied bodies and the greatest pleasure of having a physical body is sex, and they will do anything to possess a physical body whether legally or illegally. Spirit Possessions in the state of Victoria, are dealt with by secret government funded group headed by a professor of parapsychology in NSW, it is this group that law enforcement consult.  Usually possessed individuals get locked up for life with the false diagnoses of psychosis, paranoid schizophrenia.

Here are some references that I hope help with your questions:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incubus

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succubus

Regards

-Jon


So you learn something new everyday - I missed my calling as a Goosebumps writer, the government has a secretly-funded parapsychology department, and it's quite common to be touched by an angel.

Hi, My Name Is John: Felines, Felonies and Faith

[If you haven't already, please read the introduction at http://angusdiamond.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/hi-my-name-is-john-my-weekend-as-dick.html before dissecting this wordcorpse]


Thought I'd cobble together a few smaller exchanges like a poorly thought out Frankenstein made entirely out of emails. Not all of them got replies, but neither did NASA's message to space, so they're obviously still at the same high level of historical merit.


Come On My Faith: No Crib For A Bed


What exactly is Christian accommodation? Is it just accommodation where they let you read the bible and eat some biscuits? So, it's just the same as regular accommodation then? This kind of stupid exclusion is the seed of atrocities like the Salvation Army refusing shelter & treatment to non-Christians. The idea of discounting a potential housemate based on their beliefs is bullshit discrimination and it pisses me off that this self-righteousness exists.

Cool, so I'm glad I've justified myself.


Wanted: Female Seeking Christian Accommodation

Hi, I am a female seeking christian accomodation. I am looking for a quiet, peaceful environment where I am able to study & work that is secure & allows me privacy. I am open to suggestions regarding type of accomodation also. I have a 6 year old small dog that is well trained and behaves. Please feel free to contact me on the number provided if you have any questions:)


Me:

Hi, I noticed your ad requesting Christian accommodation. I run the Stigmatamotel down near *** and am willing to give very cheap rental rates to a devout Christian such as yourself. We have a Divine Accommodation package that I'm sure will tickle your faithbuds. For $120 per week you will be in a lavish room befitting a crucified king. It comes with mildew resembling the Virgin Mary, a fridge stocked with the blood of Christ and above it a bag of the nuts of Christ, and a small vibrating crucifix that will surely be the sign of your first, second and third comings ;). We also have first class bathroom facilities that will ensure you leave for work feeling baptise fresh - the shower of Christ compels you!

When are you looking to move in? Our current tenant is leaving on Monday so we will have an opening after that. See you next Tuesday!

Regards,

John Debaptees


Catfight: Get Up You Pussy

 

I like how the lady didn't seem to care what I did with the cats as long as I came up with the cash. That's good business.


Pure bred British shorthair kittens for sale Registered breeder

These chunky monkeys are looking for there forever loving homes, they come vaccinated flead wormed Microchipped, dessexed health and temprament guarantee , luekimia fiv and pkd negative Fip free. pedargree papers litter trained raised in a family home well socialised with children , dogs and other cats at our cattery. we are registered with Cats Victoria, show kittens and inquiries are welcome call us anytime happy to send photos anytime for serious inquiries.


Me:

Hi, I am interested in taking all of your cats, I don't need to see pics as I don't mind what condition they're in. Quick question, do you have the equipment to make self-defence enhancements to the cats yourself? Specifically are you able to sharpen their teeth and file their nails into spikes?

Regards,

John


Leah:

Hi
My contact details are *** or send me yours and I'll call u
Regards
Leah


Me:

Hi Leah, I'm between phones at the moment after I wagered my last one on a cat fight that I was told was a sure thing - Cat Johnson went down in round three after a particularly nasty claw to the eye, I could have killed him (luckily someone else beat me to it).

I am willing to offer you $10 per cat, or $20 if I notice a gleam of fighter's spirit in their eye. Let me know when I can check out your ring of battle cats.

Regards,

John


Leah:

I'm sorry my cats are 800 dollars


Me:

They must be good fighters. Tell you what, send me a video of them overpowering and decapitating a midget and you've got yourself a deal lady. I will also compensate you for the midget - add $20.


Spy Film VHS: $6 Negotiable. But You Should Never Negotiate With Spies.


This glorious VHS (presented in Technicolour and stunning Stereo Sound) looked too good to be true. Spies, a gangster in a baby blue suit jacket, a giant gun setting over a city skyline, a $4 weekly sticker meaning after a week and a half it would have paid for itself, and the VHS being the ultimate spy by disguising itself as a DVD in the comments. But I wanted to be sure. I don't know the seller's name so I'll just call them "Spykid". This exchange dragged on for the whole weekend.


SPY FILM VHS
$6.00 Negotiable

THIS DVD IS GOOD TO WATCH AT ANY TIME.
IT IS IN GOOD WORKING ORDER.


Me:

Hi, I am an avid collector of spy movies but I haven't watched this one so am quite excited! Just to make sure that its my kind of movie would you mind describing it in your own words, or emailing me the first five minutes of dialogue from the film? If you're happy to help I'm sure we can come to a quick arrangement!

Regards,

John


Spykid:

THIS IS SO GOOD I HAVE WATCHED IT BEFORE AND IT IS GOOD TO SEE AND IT IS VHS TAPE AND IT IS IN GOOD WORKING ORDER.


Me:

Hi, thanks for your reply! I'm actually after some more information, can you please tell me the plot, and the main characters? The plot must have at least one and a half twists and the film must not feature anyone called "Ricky" or "Barbara". I also require that at least one scene has the protagonist kill someone by getting a dolphin to shoot a grenade out of its blowhole.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

John 


Spykid:

This is the story of a CIA agent who is sickened by his operations in Central America and has plastic surgery and assumes a new identity.  The past catches up with him and all sorts of intrigue and twists in the story occur.
Are you interested in this film or not.  

Regards

[Note that, as an expert spy himself, he has stopped shouting to be more covert, and has mirrored my "regards" as a way of gaining my trust]


Me:

What are the character's names, and is there a death on porpoise? What did he do in Central America? Sounds racy, I'm intrigued ALMOST to the point of buying.


Spykid:

JAMESON PARKER BRUCE GREENWOOD  CATHERINE HICKS  NED BEATTY  MICHAEL TUCKER


Me:

Mmm, good strong names, I like that in an actor. Which characters do they play, and what are their backstories? If any of them trained dogs or played tennis then I will have to say no. Also, where is it set? Are they dressed appropriately for the location?
Regards,

John


Spykid:

If you want these questions answered then you had better watch the film, otherwise there is no point in asking these questions as you will know the complete story line before you see it. Once again do you want this film or not.


Me:

I think so. Can you please help me decide and answer the little questions? I'm tossing up between this and Deadly Operation: Facetarget 2, and a little bit of information might just tip the scales in your favour. Wow me. 


Spykid:

make your mind up, or do not contact me again understand.


Me:

I'm trying but you're being very unhelpful. What was your favourite bit in the movie?


Spykid:

the hole film is so good when i watched it a view days ago.


Me:

I think you're being difficult on purpose. You've just lost yourself a sale. 
    

Hi, My Name Is John: Me And My Monkey

[If you haven't already, please read the introduction at http://angusdiamond.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/hi-my-name-is-john-my-weekend-as-dick.html before digesting this gristle]


Well It's One For The Monkey: Spam Bait


At one point during this exchange I had to google "Capuchin Monkey Scam" just to make sure I wasn't actually wasting an opportunity to get a real life baby monkey - he sounded perfect, the Ryan Gosling of the primate world.

Healthy Affectionate Angelic Baby Capuchin Monkey

Healthy Affectionate Angelic Baby Capuchin Monkey


Me:

Hello, I am VERY interested in your monkey and just have a few questions if you would be so kind. Please email me back if this is okay!

Regards,

John


Slyvia:

Hello ,
    Actually, i am located in Perth AU , where i will be shipping the
Baby Monkeys to your location, which they will be delivered right at
your door steps in a  crate and all play toys, with a 1 year health
guarantee. But, before i give these babies to you, you are to promise
me that, you are  going to always take him/her out or a walk two times
daily, take proper care of them, and always send me recent pictures of
them. They will be coming with  all work papers, food menu. They are
all registered, and on all recent shots up to date. If the shipping
fee is made available now, then you will have these  babies, delivered
right at your door steps in about 5-6 hrs time since they will be
taking a direct flight to your location.. And for you to get these
babies, you  are require to provide just the shipping fee to your
location, and nothing besides that .. So we will also like to know
where you are located. So how are you  preparing to welcome these
babies? Have you got more play toys for them, will you always take
them out for a walk?And they will be coming along side  with their
resident permit

                                   STATUS FOR THESE MONKEYS..

They are 10 weeks old, they love the company of kids and other house
hold pets.. They are house, toilet, table trained and also vet checked
with all re cords up till date... They have been treated with nothing
but LOVE and will only go to a good homes.. They are diaper trained
and leash trained and are very loving and wears clothes and likes to
lay around and watch TV and take naps with you. They are friendly and
have docile temperament.. They are up to date on all shots and have
never been sick. They sleeps with us at night and comes from a home
with  children. Any will come with a LARGE custom made wardrobe
including 15 diaper covers, 15 short sleeved shirts, 12 long sleeve
shirts,Six pairs of overalls, 15 pairs of shorts, 2 sweatshirts,
Halloween costume, Christmas outfit, 12 pairs of pants including jeans
and dress pants, 6 pairs of pajamas all her Mazuri monkey chow,
treats, biscuits and snacks, diapers and wipes, a 6X6X3 wide powder
coated steel cage with two feeding stations and all of the monkey
toys. Their parents are on premises

Are you married.................
Do you have kids....................
Are they friendly with pets...................
Have you ever kept A Monkey.. ............
Are You A Breeder.......................
Where are you located................

Will be waiting to read back from you soon..


Me:

Thank you so much for your reply - I'm very sorry for the delay, my wife and I have been crying with happiness for the last three hours. We are unable to have children due to an unfortunate accident where I tried to give myself superpowers gradually and started by thrusting my hips inside an operating microwave. It seems that fate has finally smiled upon me and this time he's not laughing at my misfortune - I couldn't have come across your advertisement at a better time.

Everything about this almost sounds too good to be true, but as we are desperate we will cling hopelessly to any chance of parenthood, especially a delightful interspecies one such as this. It is understandable that you have some concerns, so I will attempt to allay your fears as best I can.

I can guarantee that we will take them for long walks every day - my wife operates a successful shoplifting ring in my town and regularly walks the whole length of the main street as a result. And, as the saying goes, many hands make light work. I also have a few jobs lined up for them once they arrive which should keep them fighting fit - are they familiar with powertools? You didn't mention if they came with safety glasses, but it's no problem if they don't, I've got a couple of spare pairs from the last babies I hired that should fit snugly. I must remember to wash the blood of them.

We promise to take excellent care of them. Recently we looked after the children of a friend of ours and we were 70% successful - obviously the success rate would be higher if they were our own children. I have set up a bungalow with everything they would need - bunks, monkey bars, a banana tree (just a christmas tree with bananas stapled to it, they're out of season here) and a jar of lice for when they feel like bonding. What are their favourite playstation games? I got them some tiny headsets so they can screech at the other players while they're obliterating soldiers in Call of Duty. I also have a variety of fun toys, I'm sure they will love my novelty shackles and music box, and one day will turn it into a profitable career, I'm sure of it.

The clothes collection sounds amazing, and very comprehensive - I am especially looking forward to being able to put our monkey in his/her dress pants and take him out to important business lunches and red carpet gala functions - I'm sure he'll fit right in. Does he have any experience with smiling politely, or pretending to take notes? If so, he's bound to be sucessful - I hope so, as I'm already negotiating the rights to a hilarious sitcom, "Monkey Business", where I take my monkey to work and he ends up becoming my boss. It would be a lot easier if it was actually true. I have also prematurely entered him in GQ's Man of the Year - don't judge me, I'm just a proud parent.

If there is anything that you don't find satisfactory about these arrangements please let me know and I guarantee I will rectify it as soon as possible - there is nothing my wife and I want more in the world (apart from maybe a child of our own, but thanks to my popped kernels that's a bit out of the question).

Yours sincerely,

John.


Slyvia:

Hello,
    I am very much happy to read back from you so soon., i will be
willing to provide these babies to you, which you will be responsible
just for the shipping fee.For you to have one baby ship to your
location, will cost you $210,and the shipping fee of 2 will be $400.
These babies will be delivered right at your door steps, in an
electronic crate, play toys, and work papers. And if the shipping fee
is made available now, then you are going to get the babies delivered
to you, in about 5-6 hrs time. And as soon as you make the shipping
fee available, i will take your monkeys right away to the airport for
them to be ship to your location.And as soon as i am done at the
airport, they are going to email you, with the flight details and the
air bill number. We are not selling these babies,but rather looking
for a loving home to provide them with the babies ok.. So,if that is
ok by you, we will need your full contact home address, where you will
like the Monkeys to be delivered.
FULL NAMES...........................

COUNTRY...............................

STATE.....................................

CITY.........................................

HOUSE ADDRESS.....................

HOUSE/CELL PHONE #...........

NEAREST AIRPORT................

With all these details, will help me to fill the delivery form at the
airport, and also help the shipping agent, who will be the person to
deliver the Monkeys at your home, tress out your location for the
delivery. Make sure that, as soon as you send the money, be at home in
other to pick them up ok. So i will be waiting to read back from you
soon..

Thanks


Me:

Thank you for your response - I eagerly await the delivery of our hirstute babies! We will take two for $400 please - a bargain price, considering the last time we bought a baby online it was $1200 and we never received it - something about not enough air holes. Anyway, our details are as follows:

FULL NAMES: John "The Badger" Smithandwesson & June "Class Ass" Smithandwesson

COUNTRY: Australia, the land of the convicts

STATE: Heightened anxiety, anticipating our monkey kin.

CITY: ***

HOUSE ADDRESS: *** [random bakery address]

HOUSE/CELL PHONE #: +613 *** [bakery phone number]

NEAREST AIRPORT: Tullamarine (Melbourne)

Please reply as soon as possible - I am literally eating my couch with excitement!

Yours forever,

John


Slyvia:

ok i will take the monkeys to the shipping company in the morning and
register them to be ship to you and there will contact you for the
flight info and payment


Me:

Wait, are you just going to send the monkeys without me even paying you? I'm sorry, but that seems highly irresponsible - I don't know if you're fit to be a monkey guardian. How many monkeys do you have? I think it's only right that I buy up all of your monkeys immediately. I am willing to pay upwards of $1,000 a monkey with legitimate currency. I've bought Old Kent Road hundreds of times with it so you know I mean business.

Yours in death,

Badger


Slyvia:

you will have to pay the shipping company not me ok so the 400 you
will have to pay t to the shipping company so in the morning i will
have to go there and register the moneys to be ship to you and there
will contact you for the flight info and payment of the 400 ok


Me:

No it's not okay. I WANT ALL THE MONKEYS AND I WANT THEM NOW. You are not worthy. This is an outrage. THIS IS SPARTA!


Slyvia:

ok so let me give you me address you will use to send the money so in
the morning i will take them to the shipping company


Me:

Phew, crisis averted! Send me your address, or bank details so I can shower you with rupees and other obnoxious currency. I will personally throw a sharpened sapphire right at your heart.

Yours often,

John


Me again:

Hi Slyvia (if that is your real name), just wanted to let you know that the monkeys arrived safe and extremely well dressed, as promised! Very much appreciated, they are even cuter in person - you didn't tell me that they know how to tango! I've had the best morning with them and a lot of my friends have said how much they want one themselves - is it okay if I pass on your contact information?

Don't forget to give me your bank details! As a token of my gratitude I'm willing to put an extra $500 into your account for being so quick and legitimate.

A bird in the bird is worth two birds,

John

I visited the bakery in the hopes that they had a monkey making pies and an adorable mess but no dice. I have to keep my monkey dream alive - it's too painful otherwise. It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.