Thursday, 22 November 2012

Hi, My Name Is John: Signing Off, Vacuum Sealed, Delivered


[If you haven't already, please read the introduction at http://angusdiamond.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/hi-my-name-is-john-my-weekend-as-dick.html before mainlining this junk]


Vac To The Future: A Moral Journey


When I was on school camp in grade 4 a teacher busted one of the kids sticking his dick in a vacuum cleaner. This is a bit different to that, but not much.


Vacs Assorted + Swivel sweeper+ Optim Steamr$20Ea

Assorted Vacs uprite + swivel sweeper+ Optim hand steamer + Karcher Vac +Iron + Genius white Steamer + access $50 Ea.

[assorted pictures of vacuum cleaners]




Me:

Hi, how many vacuum cleaners do you have, and do they all have reverse switches? If so I would like to take all of them. I cant tell you why, but I am working on a highly confidential military project. Lets just say that it will revolutionise the way you travel.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

John


June:

Thanx for email! I have a Karcher Vac + iron / A Hero hand held vac new red + charger/Electrolux uprite sml silver + charger/Piranha uprite sml silver switch type
(have sold the ordinary vacs I had). also have 2 steam cleaners. Vacs $20 ea but Karcher $50 as very good one. Can call after 1pm Sunday onn ***. Sounds interesting!Regards June.. I will have some other vacs in future(dont know when yet) and will let u know.


June (again):

Hi again. Dont know much about reverse swiches. Regards June.


Me:

Thanks for your speedy response June! Don't worry about the reverse switches, I should be able to adjust the schematics and rework the electronics to suit the project. Quick question, how much do you weigh? I'll let you in on a little secret June, I've been asked by the government to invent Air Displacing Vehicles, or Hovercars (I haven't been directly asked, but it was heavily implied hidden in the punctuation of recent press releases, so it's basically a sure thing). I need a volunteer who is fairly lightweight to pilot the prototype. So far we have had a 13% non-combustion rate which I'm sure you'll agree is very encouraging. You will be required to sit in a small metal cockpit as you are propelled down a 67 degree incline onto a launch ramp at approximately 240 kilometres per hour - this might sound intimidating but I can assure you that the survivors have said it's just like riding a bike, more or less. Once you leave the ramp the exhaust powers of the vacuum engines will kick in and you will hover safely into a three-metre kiddy pool two kilometres away. After seven test flights I will gladly pay you the price of the vacuum cleaners plus an extra $20 for your trouble - easy money, am I right June?

I'm keen to get this organised as soon as possible so your prompt response would be much appreciated!

Regards,

John


Me (again):

Hi June, I understand if you don't want to volunteer, not everyone knows a good deal when they see one. I would still like all of your vacs, will you take $100 for the lot? Also, when I come in I'm going to need you to sign a confidentiality agreement, two non-disclosure documents, and a preventative media release form due to the nature of the project, along with everyone you have told about it. I hope this won't be a problem. Are you still available after 1pm today?

Regards,

John


June:

Hi John - I am 70 yrs old! Think I will give the test a miss. Happy to sell the vacs for $100 and sign for u. I am sure u would be able to find heaps of young people who would love to participate in yr tests(have owned around 8 sports cars over the yrs but was a lot younger then). Sounds very interesting. Confidentiality no problem as I do audits/shops etc incognito. Regards June. Home from 3pm. Will email address when confirmed.


[This is where I start feeling bad - my motto is "never trick a lovely old lady for no reason", it's even tattooed on my inner thigh. My other motto's always been "when it's right, it's right", and this was getting wrong.]


June (again):

Hi just had a look in garage and have 3 other vacs minus hose/head - just the vac. Pullman commercial/Nilfisk bag/Cyclone bagless $25 extra for the 3 on to the $100. if want. Regards June.


[For fuck's sake, now the old bird is off wobbling about in a shed for this imaginary vacuum fanatic - if anything happens to her it will be on me. Time to flee to Mexico, or just end the conversation.]


Me:

Hi June, when I invent my time machine I will catch up with your younger, sports-car owning self. Who knows where it will lead? ;) I do, I'll have a time machine, basically the hottest rod of them all - you won't be able to keep your youthful hands off me! Anyway, after a recent spate of unfortunate accidents from incompetent pilots my public liability insurance has gone up (you crash land into one kindergarten and all of a sudden the government doesn't want anything to do with you - typical bureaucracy) and I will not be able to afford your stash of vacuum cleaners. However, I would like to pay you $20 for the time I have wasted - what's $20 when I'll soon have a time machine and am going to reinvent the iPhone a few years ago anyway? Please send through your bank details so I can deposit it immediately - not a joke. And twenty years ago from today we'll be blazing into yesterday's sunset in my time mobile leaving a burning trail of efficiency and time-lapse streaks across a forgotten sky.

Yours forever, in a soon to be remembered past,

Dear John


June:

Hi John - no need for the $20! been interesting hearing your ideas.Sure the reality will happen but I prob wont be around to enjoy it!. Regards June.


Me:

Thank you June, you've been fantastic to talk to, good luck selling the vacuum cleaners! And remember, the future is only a day away™.

Kind regards,

John


In case you were wondering, I had every intention of paying up. I thought it would partially make it up to June for dicking her around, and $20 is a pretty cheap get-out-of-hell-free card for lightly kicking karma's kunt. As it was, June, being amazing as usual, takes the high ground, leaving me indebted to karma like a grovelling errand boy offering to suck all the dicks to have the debt, and their face, wiped clean. You've won this round, June.

So I've enjoyed being a dick for a few days but all annoying things must come to an end. There are more enjoyable ways to get a laugh than at someone else's expense, but, like an imaginary bug after a meth comedown, sometimes it's fun to get under someone's skin. I'll probably have another go one day when I feel the need to passive-agressively let off some steam at someone who wasn't involved in boiling it. And who knows, I might even be good at it by then.

This has been Angus Diamond, under a bridge, for his own blog. Goodnight.

1 comment:

  1. I have not received word of the book signing. Perhaps it was misplaced in the intl mail service or, more likely, due to the recent govt shitdown, umm, sorry, shutdown. Hope all is well!

    ReplyDelete